


Don't Forget Us

by jemtessa



Category: Ghosts of the Shadow Market Series - Sarah Rees Brennan & Cassandra Clare & Kelly Link, The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt, Everything Hurts, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Memories, References to Depression, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-22
Updated: 2018-07-22
Packaged: 2019-06-14 05:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15381300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jemtessa/pseuds/jemtessa
Summary: don't forget meJem Carstairs is no more. A memory. All is left is a husk with a different name, a different purpose, and a new life. A life that he doesn’t want full of loneliness and darkness. As Brother Zachariah struggles to adjust to his new life he begins to question is living like this really worth it?





	Don't Forget Us

**Author's Note:**

> **trigger warnings:** suicidal thoughts, death mention
> 
> grief/mourning & implied/referenced character death were tagged because of Jem's “death”/him becoming Brother Zachariah. 
> 
> title/beginning of the summary inspired by [Just Go by iKON](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5nanFarsaA)

~~Jem Carstairs~~ no _Brother Zachariah_ ’s mind was not his own. Not anymore. It was now connected, his thoughts, to many others just like him. Jem Carstairs was dead. His body may be alive but the person he once was is gone. And he would never be able to go back.

The brown robes warped around Brother Zachariah’s body, his voice was now silent as his mouth was kept shut. His sight had plunged into darkness once the ceremony was complete. His own screams echoed in his mind even now. To anyone around him he was a monster, something to be feared, something not human. Silent Brothers in nature weren’t scary, it was their appearance which made it seem that way.

A silver streak in his now returned brown hair was the only reminder of who he once was. Was it a coincidence? Was it a coincidence that even a different man Brother Zachariah still felt the way he once did as Jem Carstairs?

A _monster_.

The _yin fen,_ which also made him ghastly looking like a skeleton and slowly drained the life away from his body, not by choice of course. But at least then there would be an end to that suffering. Now? Now there was just an endless dark, which made Brother Zachariah…. no it made Jem Carstairs envious of that death he tried so hard to prevent. He only had himself to blame. He was unsure on how much time passed with each given day. How long had he been like this already? An hour? A day? A year? All Brother Zachariah knew was that he wanted it to end.

Would it have been better? Brother Zachariah thought about this constantly. If he had allowed the _yin fen_  to take his life? Take it as he once was, would the suffering finally ended? But he knew the answer… the answer lead him here. Now everything was different, if Jem knew the suffering he would have to endure even now would his choice have changed? Brother Zachariah, _Jem_ wished he had made that change.

He wouldn’t forget who he was. He wouldn’t, not for as long as he lived. He couldn’t do that to himself, he especially couldn’t do that to _them._  
_You are Jem, Jem Carstairs. James Carstairs. Ke Jian Ming. Don’t forget._ **_Never_ ** _forget,_ he repeated to himself like a mantra. Jem craved to feel warmth again, to speak with his own voice again. He dearly missed being by their sides. He had not wanted to leave them but it was the only way they could be together for longer, even if that meant they wouldn’t see each other as much as before. He wished every day that he could once again feel the love that he felt, which seemed like such a distant memory….

A memory almost forgotten.

If Jem could think of one thing it would be how will he be able to get through this? How will he be able to _live_ like this for the rest of his life? How was he supposed to live in such coldness and isolation where there was so much darkness surrounding him.

It was in that darkness, that cold suffocating darkness, that he realised death may have been kinder. Yes it would’ve hurt those who were left behind but was all of it really worth _this_ much suffering? If he ended it now would he finally be at peace? Would he finally be _free_ ?  
_End it,_ the deepest part of his soul begged. _End it before it’s too late. End it before you lose the parts of you that are human._  
Jem’s soul ached, all he wanted to do was cry, to let out all of the pent up frustration he had with himself, to let out the grief that he had to bury deep within himself. But he couldn’t, he wouldn’t ever be able too. Silent Brother’s could die he knew that, so why wouldn’t he just do it? If he was to die he wouldn’t die as Brother Zachariah he would die as _Jem._ Even as a Silent Brother he couldn’t rob himself of his death again. He deserved that much.

 _Do you remember when we stood together on Blackfriars Bridge?_ he had said to her so softly. Her face, her beautiful face flashed into his mind for the first time in a long time.  
“Of course I remember,” she said so effortlessly, yet there was sadness behind her words, once that even then caused Jem’s still heart to break.  
_It was the first moment I knew I loved you,_ he had said, it was true. Even as his memories slowly became distant he hadn’t forgotten that day. Not yet. How much she radiated that day, how much she probably still radiates. _I will make you a promise._ ** _Every year_** _, Tessa, on_ ** _one day_** _,_ ** _I will meet you on that bridge_** _, I will come from the Silent City and_ ** _I will meet you and we will be together_** _, if only for an hour. But you must tell no one.“_

He wasn’t sure why he was suddenly remembering his last meeting with his betrothed. Could he even call her that anymore? She was now with another, probably forgetting about him. _NO!_ He couldn’t think that way, that was an insult to Tessa, to the woman that he loved with every fibre of his being. He wanted a reason to live, was this it? Would Tessa be his reason like she once was, like they had all been. But out of all his friends and family only Tessa was immortal. Would their love conquer all in the end?  
_I will live for her,_ Jem reaffirmed. _I will live, I will live to the day until I can see her again as I once was. I do not care if this dream cannot be a reality. But to see her, a beautiful smile on her face, staring back at the former me will be what I can live for. Tessa, we will be together again, my love. I will make it my life’s mission._  
That’s when Jem, for a moment, felt like his heart beat once more. But it couldn’t have….

Could it?

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry
> 
> feedback/comments are always appreciated either here or on [my tumblr](http://jamescarstairs.tumblr.com/ask)


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